THIS WEEK

I haven't spoken about the trip because I honestly can't be bothered to remember it. This week has been MUCH better. As in I basically have realised that he just wasn't that into me and to be honest can't be bothered to dwell on him or the whole situation. In fact I think he is a major piss taker. I think about how RUDE he was in the days before we broke up and I can't but laugh. I'd pay good money to go back to those days so I can really let him know a thing or two about a thing or two. As in WTF? I can't believe I let ANYONE speak to me like that, oh well it was love(even though that's ironic cause love shouldn't be hurtful). He tried to use sub-par excuses to justify the fact that he just stopped being into me,but I'm not as hurt as I am irritated. He KNEW what he was getting into, he ignored it for whatever reasons and now I'm left to pick up the pieces after he came up with some nonsense about not being able to deal with all that comes with being with "Einner Sad".

Oh well A and A are in town and I'm having a blast, thank you God. This is just what the doctor ordered and I plan to have as much fun as I can before they go back. "I" has REALLY been calling, he KNOWS nothing can come out of it so we basically are just cool homies(I have a feeling he thinks I'll change my mind). I am extremely grateful to God for all the people in my life, as in they reminded me of who exactly I am. I'm not saying I'm 100% o...far from it! In fact, today while A and I were listening to music I felt a brief pang but quickly caught myself. It is going to take time to heal properly and completely.

It's two minutes into Val's day...My mum sent the prettiest white and bling chain ever(and that is something cause she gives me buff jewelry all the time), The two A's and I are going to dinner and A insisted on getting me a gift to compensate for all the stuff I had to give away(IMAGINE I had to give away all the vals stuff I got for S, It felt GOOD though. There was not enough money in the world that would have made me still send it, abeg I'll chest my losses) Basically all is not lost today.

I'll continue with the story of the trip just because I should learn to see things through and maybe it'll give me closure, but I'll do it when I'm in the zone. Right now, I'm just so excited about the good things to come. The sharp turn around can only be as a result of God's mercies so a big THANK YOU to all my family, friends and anyone else who prayed for me. Have a happy Valentine's day.

Update

I feel a bit better this morning. I guess there is no going back and knowing that makes me realise that I must get on with it. Spoke to my friend/spiritual adviser this morning, she is the best. To be clear it's not like this is my first break up, in fact far from it. It's just that this time my guard was down and this time I allowed myself believe that it was for real. Somethings are what they are. I have mass in about an hour so I'm going to get ready. Have a blessed Sunday.

No doubt

Yesterday (technically anyway cause it's now 2:32 am so I guess it's Sunday already)I woke up feeling like shite but made a conscious effort to "get on with it". To be honest, I think my good mood(please take that with a bag in fact trailer of salt) was because of my friend TCF. I spoke to him for AGES and as far as I'm concerned God sent him to me. He listened and didn't judge. He made me know that no matter what happened, it will be OK. He made me consider the thing that is most likely the main issue with S...Drama! He made me feel like it's OK to still be in love with S, but most importantly he listened.

Sent S a text saying "This is too hard", when he woke up he replied that he knows we deal with things differently but basically he is there for me. I can't imagine even having a normal conversation with him and I already know where we both stand so there will be no point discussing our issues. I replied saying nothing is basically going to change and that things will get easier soon. He replied again saying he is sorry he did not deal with things sooner or notice the warning signs but that he is there for me. Not being funny but I don't understand that, as in it's not like I can call him and tell him how much this makes me feel like shit. It will just make both of us uncomfortable. I called him to get the last thing bothering me off my mind,I apologised for bringing any of my drama into his life. Yesterday when we had our mini relationship autopsy he made it clear that our personalities both attract drama and that is why we are not compatible. I disagree with the way he has chosen to deal with things but we are different and I HAVE TO accept that he feels I had too much drama.I apologised not because I intentionally brought drama but because that is the last thing I wish for or hope to bring into anyone's life inadvertently or otherwise. I can't even go into the specifics cause that will just be LONG. On this issue we are on very different planets. He explained that drama seems to find me and his personality just doesn't go with that. I saw warning signs that this would be an issue but of course I was in love and ignored it. I feel stupid for really believing that I was being given a break and that I had found someone that could deal with what it takes to be my man, someone who would understand that unfortunately I've been misunderstood for most of my life and it's a slow process to reverse that. What was I thinking? Anyway it's really clear that we are done and dusted. I don't feel like talking about the trip now, I figure there is no point. I might as well figure out a way to pick up the pieces instead of reminiscing about things that are now nothing but distant memories.

Part III

This week has really had its ups and downs, I'll be driving or cooking and I'll just start crying. The worst is when I'm checking up on my football team or on our fantasy football league, he used to help me with my players even though we're competing against each other. I miss talking to him about the most stupid and random thoughts that come to my head. He puts a spin on everyday things in a way that is uniquely him. He introduced me to Tibor Fischer and now I can't wait to read more of his books. There is no question I asked that he didn't seem to know the answer to, even if he didn't know the answer he had a vague idea and always got back to me with the correct answer.

We spoke today and finally hashed thing out...IT BURNS! He screamed and I screamed but through the screaming it became clear that we're not going to get back together. Yesterday on MSN he told me "If I'm to be honest it just stopped feeling right. I love you but it doesn't feel right anymore. I can't explain what changed or what right is but it just doesn't feel right anymore. I'm hurt AND confused. Confused as to why I could love you so much but still not know why it's not the right line to pursue". Needless to say I was pained, it stopped feeling right? what? how? but I didn't say anything, just said OK, ended the conversation and logged off. I wept like a fool. Earlier in the conversation he said maybe we can be proper friends now, I had to tell him the truth. I can't be friends with him now, I still love him. That will just be unnecessary punishment. Today's conversation was more definitive but I can't talk about it now. It will bring the tears and I'm really trying to cut down on the crying. I'll talk about that later.
****************************************************************************
I started writing this post in the afternoon and was going to continue the story with "The trip" but it's 11:56 and I'm buzzed. This is really PATHETIC! I'm drinking alone! I need to though, cause for the first time this week I want to be able to sleep properly. I thought the wine would dull the pain, it isn't doing that. Oh well will continue the story in the morning, also there is this guy (we'll call him "I") who is professing undying love and I don't know how to tell him THIS IS NOT THE TIME! I've told him but he doesn't get it. He has been on my case since I was with S but he is now really determined and he is not getting that I am still in love with S and can't even think about being with anyone for a while. All that and more in the morning. Good night, if you're the praying type please pray for me. I need to get a grip on things, I'm disgusting myself. We were not married and don't have kids, I don't know why this is so hard. I guess the more you get to know about me you'll understand why this is particularly difficult. I can barely see what I'm typing. I'm off to bed.

Life comes at you fast Part II

Felt much better yesterday, went to dinner with A and J. I was actually able to laugh and felt much better but today I woke up with a lump in my throat and it hasn't gone away. I went for mass this morning(one of my New Year's resolutions is to go for mass daily) but my mind was miles away. I can't dare ask God why even though I told him this really hurts and is messing with my mind. When I started talking to S, I prayed about it and put it in God's care...I guess I'll never understand the way he works. I put up a brave front when I'm around people or when I speak to them 'cause I really don't want a pity party, besides it's kind of embarrassing cause the first question always is" I hope your profile change was a mistake cause you can't be single, didn't you just come back from seeing him?" and that's all it takes to remind me of how truly stupid I've been.


Anyway where did I leave off last time? Oh yeah I talked about when we started dating, I've dated quite a number of guys(a bit too many actually) and I'm pretty skilled in the art of holding back or being active in the relationship without really letting myself get carried away but with him I decided to screw the consequences and open up fully. I didn't hold back my feelings and told him exactly how I felt about him every step up the way. We created this world where only the two of us existed. Family secrets, highs and lows tumbled from my mouth with alarming ease. We told each other our deepest desires, faults and embarrassing habits. We hadn't had sex but we spoke about it like we had seen each other naked a billion times. We sent pictures back and forth(normal and naughty ones) and grew to understand each other in ways no one else did. We were both busy and seeing each other before Christmas was out of the question. I've never looked forward to a holiday so much in my entire life. I was going to see my baby, my confidant, the person who understood my little quirks, the one who had promised to treat me with care, the first person I let myself even consider a future with(that's huge for me 'cause I take that one day at a time theory literally), I was going to see my S.

Anyway God had other plans and I didn't get my travel documents back on time and couldn't meet up with him in December. I was CRUSHED! I spoke to him everyday though and he kept my spirits up. I got my docs back just after Christmas and booked my trip to his end for the first week in the year. It was supposed to be the beginning of our year together, we could finally spend quality time together. I felt like a child all over again,I couldn't do anything without thinking about seeing him soon. I would be eating and start daydreaming about eating with him soon(I'm talking really cheesy, silly stuff here). He got back home after his holiday and it was almost time to see him. We sent each other texts about how cool it was that we were actually going to see soon and all the usual stuff. We made so many plans, I was going for only 2 weeks but we planned as if I was going to be there for months.

The day finally came...I was going to see my S

I'll stop here for now cause I'm getting sad and I've decided that I've cried enough over him, he doesn't get any more tears. The next installment will be "The trip"

Life comes at you fast...

I said I would never blog again, it takes a lot of effort when you really don't have things on your mind. As I sit here listening to superman by Robin Thicke(thanks soul) I can't even begin to sort out the mess that's in my mind. I'm sure you've already guessed from my gloomy disposition that I'm "heartbroken"(that actually sounds silly), normally I would just go buy a pint of Haagen Dazs, listen to an empowering cd and dust myself off but this time I can't even think of basic things without getting really low. To be honest I don't think it's just the break up. I mean I'll miss him and all. I allowed myself love him more than I ever have anyone before, I opened up to him about things I swore I would take to the grave(HUGE MISTAKE), he became my confidant, my OWN and to have that all gone without actually understanding HOW is a lot to swallow.

I'll give you a little background(I plan on remaining as anonymous as possible so dates and cities may be changed through out my blog). Last year was an extremely difficult year, I was involved with someone who had baggage. His baggage(read ex) decided to make it difficult for us to be together. I couldn't check my email without wading through threatening and warning emails(by the way these ppl are all above 25), like most ppl do I ignored the threats until they pulled a stunt that caught my attention. I should have bowed out then cause he obviously was more important to them but I defiantly continued the relationship with him(lets call him F), things got better, our bond grew stronger and then he came to see me. We live on opposite ends of the earth so I was really thrilled that he came, while he was here things were great but then that little thing called fidelity was brought up and he confessed that he wouldn't be able to be 100% faithful. I was stunned but appreciated his honesty, we tried to be friends at first but things got complicated and we grew apart. It hurt a little but nothing major, that was until IT happened. Around september my year and world actually took a huge thrashing, I was dragged into the kind of mess mothers warn their daughters not to be caught in. I found myself defending my character to my family members(they supported me but wanted to know why I would be involved in such nonsense). I would love to give you an idea of "the mess" I speak of but it would become too easy for anyone who knows me and to be honest others who might not to start playing detective about my identity and I would love to blog without being guarded.

I cut off from a lot of people and things, I stopped going out with friends and stopped talking to most people on the phone. I buried myself in blog world(thanks guys, your blogs gave me much needed distraction) and that's when I rediscovered him(let's call him S). I had met him a couple of times in Lagos but we weren't really close, anyway we started emailing and chatting on MSN(damn MSN) and slowly we both opened up. I think we healed each other of deep rooted issues and pain, we probably should have stayed friends but oh well. We sorted out some "administrative" issues and started dating...

To be continued

By the way my blog is goint to be filled with spelling and grammatical errors for now cause I really can't be bothered...sorry.