Life comes at you fast Part II

Felt much better yesterday, went to dinner with A and J. I was actually able to laugh and felt much better but today I woke up with a lump in my throat and it hasn't gone away. I went for mass this morning(one of my New Year's resolutions is to go for mass daily) but my mind was miles away. I can't dare ask God why even though I told him this really hurts and is messing with my mind. When I started talking to S, I prayed about it and put it in God's care...I guess I'll never understand the way he works. I put up a brave front when I'm around people or when I speak to them 'cause I really don't want a pity party, besides it's kind of embarrassing cause the first question always is" I hope your profile change was a mistake cause you can't be single, didn't you just come back from seeing him?" and that's all it takes to remind me of how truly stupid I've been.


Anyway where did I leave off last time? Oh yeah I talked about when we started dating, I've dated quite a number of guys(a bit too many actually) and I'm pretty skilled in the art of holding back or being active in the relationship without really letting myself get carried away but with him I decided to screw the consequences and open up fully. I didn't hold back my feelings and told him exactly how I felt about him every step up the way. We created this world where only the two of us existed. Family secrets, highs and lows tumbled from my mouth with alarming ease. We told each other our deepest desires, faults and embarrassing habits. We hadn't had sex but we spoke about it like we had seen each other naked a billion times. We sent pictures back and forth(normal and naughty ones) and grew to understand each other in ways no one else did. We were both busy and seeing each other before Christmas was out of the question. I've never looked forward to a holiday so much in my entire life. I was going to see my baby, my confidant, the person who understood my little quirks, the one who had promised to treat me with care, the first person I let myself even consider a future with(that's huge for me 'cause I take that one day at a time theory literally), I was going to see my S.

Anyway God had other plans and I didn't get my travel documents back on time and couldn't meet up with him in December. I was CRUSHED! I spoke to him everyday though and he kept my spirits up. I got my docs back just after Christmas and booked my trip to his end for the first week in the year. It was supposed to be the beginning of our year together, we could finally spend quality time together. I felt like a child all over again,I couldn't do anything without thinking about seeing him soon. I would be eating and start daydreaming about eating with him soon(I'm talking really cheesy, silly stuff here). He got back home after his holiday and it was almost time to see him. We sent each other texts about how cool it was that we were actually going to see soon and all the usual stuff. We made so many plans, I was going for only 2 weeks but we planned as if I was going to be there for months.

The day finally came...I was going to see my S

I'll stop here for now cause I'm getting sad and I've decided that I've cried enough over him, he doesn't get any more tears. The next installment will be "The trip"