Part III

This week has really had its ups and downs, I'll be driving or cooking and I'll just start crying. The worst is when I'm checking up on my football team or on our fantasy football league, he used to help me with my players even though we're competing against each other. I miss talking to him about the most stupid and random thoughts that come to my head. He puts a spin on everyday things in a way that is uniquely him. He introduced me to Tibor Fischer and now I can't wait to read more of his books. There is no question I asked that he didn't seem to know the answer to, even if he didn't know the answer he had a vague idea and always got back to me with the correct answer.

We spoke today and finally hashed thing out...IT BURNS! He screamed and I screamed but through the screaming it became clear that we're not going to get back together. Yesterday on MSN he told me "If I'm to be honest it just stopped feeling right. I love you but it doesn't feel right anymore. I can't explain what changed or what right is but it just doesn't feel right anymore. I'm hurt AND confused. Confused as to why I could love you so much but still not know why it's not the right line to pursue". Needless to say I was pained, it stopped feeling right? what? how? but I didn't say anything, just said OK, ended the conversation and logged off. I wept like a fool. Earlier in the conversation he said maybe we can be proper friends now, I had to tell him the truth. I can't be friends with him now, I still love him. That will just be unnecessary punishment. Today's conversation was more definitive but I can't talk about it now. It will bring the tears and I'm really trying to cut down on the crying. I'll talk about that later.
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I started writing this post in the afternoon and was going to continue the story with "The trip" but it's 11:56 and I'm buzzed. This is really PATHETIC! I'm drinking alone! I need to though, cause for the first time this week I want to be able to sleep properly. I thought the wine would dull the pain, it isn't doing that. Oh well will continue the story in the morning, also there is this guy (we'll call him "I") who is professing undying love and I don't know how to tell him THIS IS NOT THE TIME! I've told him but he doesn't get it. He has been on my case since I was with S but he is now really determined and he is not getting that I am still in love with S and can't even think about being with anyone for a while. All that and more in the morning. Good night, if you're the praying type please pray for me. I need to get a grip on things, I'm disgusting myself. We were not married and don't have kids, I don't know why this is so hard. I guess the more you get to know about me you'll understand why this is particularly difficult. I can barely see what I'm typing. I'm off to bed.